Geek Nanny

2008-05-27T15:31:00.002-04:00

Having taken a small number of interesting but ultimately dissatisfying computer jobs since having left the Best Job Ever, I've just decided to try my hand at freelancing. I have a dream, you see, a dream of waking up at 10, of baking fresh bread daily, of working from home 20 hours a week on projects, and for clients, that I choose. The reality of making desperate cold calls and begging for ColdFusion maintenance jobs having not yet set in, I'm more than a little excited, and have thus resolved to resurrect this blog, however temporarily.

I suppose, as an authentic old school computer geek of the UNIX persuasion, I really ought to have my Very Own Blog software package running somewhere instead of this generic blogger.com domain, but, well, this is easy, and I'm lazy, so that's that.

2008-05-27T15:28:00.002-04:00

It's amusing to note that some two years after having left nannyhood behind me, my children continue to refer to Uncle L as "Stinky Uncle L". Affectionately, to be sure, but it just goes to show how powerful my preschool branding program turned out to be.

2006-05-23T17:51:00.000-04:00

Since I have a largish immediate family (1 sister, 3 brothers), there's been some light-hearted competition over who gets to be the favorite uncle to M and L. Having taken on the nanny position, I'm of course comfortably in the lead now, especially where L is concerned (M needing more discipline from time to time, it's unclear whether I'll come out ahead in the long run). Now, being the generous type, I offered an incentive program to my brothers. For a suitable fee, I would insert the adjective of their choice in front of all instances of the name of their choice in conversation with the children. For instance, Uncle A could purchase Awesome Uncle A, or more nefariously, Stinky Uncle L. Sadly, no one took me up on this offer; A theorizing that it would be more cost-effective to bribe the parents. The parents, of course, are unbribeable; Mercenery Uncle D, not so much.

I'll note that it's not too late to act on this special offer. Stinky Uncle L ought to be particularly interested. Oh, and while we're on the subject, M occasionally likes to fantasize about what cars he will buy his relatives when he makes a million billion dollars. Me, I'm content with the convertible E-series Mercendes-Benz I've been promised, but Aunt S, for instance, may want to consider whether she wants to end up with a Chevrolet station wagon or a Dodge Viper convertible sports car...

2006-05-20T16:29:00.000-04:00

I've been cleared to post pictures of the kids, so here is the pony party, in all its glory!

M is not too enthused to be photographed, but L is more than agreeable.

2006-05-08T15:52:00.000-04:00

I am so tricksy, I swear. So M was getting really upset with his sister last week over something trivial. I think actually she was a bit bored and was pretending not to understand something he was trying to explain to her. Anyway, he's become a little bit obsessed with winning recently (though could not, to me and Uncle S's great delight, explain the difference between winning and losing), so I tried a little psychology. You know, M, you're just letting your sister upset you (man, I heard that a million times when I was a kid). No, I'm not! Yes, you are, and the thing is, if you let her upset you, she wins. And you don't want that, now do you?

That stumped him. Figure I've got at least a few more days before he comes up with a clever rejoinder.

As far as L goes, I just inadvertantly discovered a surefire cure for angry tantrums. She's so cute when she gets mad, I just can't stand it. So the last few times, I just laughed and grabbed my digital camera and tried to get a shot off. But upon seeing the camera come out, she started mugging for it and then insisting on seeing herself on the lcd screen (she's a bit vain), anger completely forgotten.

2006-05-02T14:38:00.000-04:00

So I totally forgot to post about this last week. On Friday, M goes to gymnastics class, which looks really really fun. They have this enormous bouncy thing they inflate and jump down, practicing forward rolls and the like. It looks like much more fun than the dance classes I had to take when I was a child. Anyway, the hilarious thing, to me, was this toy they had in the waiting room which L played with for quite a long time. It's just a big box with about a dozen panels in it, each closed with a different sort of latching mechanism.

I want to know who's the genius who thought it would be a good idea to design a toy for toddlers that teaches them how to open latched doors. Think, people.

2006-05-01T23:22:00.000-04:00

Upon arriving home after work, E inquires of M how he behaved today. Were you good or bad for Uncle D? I was good and bad, says he. I give him props for honesty.

I've been trying to expand the food groups, with some limited success today. I told M I would give him a piece of chocolate if he tried a bite of the chicken curry I cooked for E and myself (side note: he and L found the dismembering of the chicken to be a delightfully disgusting spectacle). Can I just have the chocolate? No, it's a bribe. What's a bribe? Man, these kids are going to have the best vocabulary.

He ended up actually accepting a spoonful of the chicken curry, only to spit it out distatefully and complain of the spiciness. Still, it's progress. Hooray for me.

2006-04-29T13:25:00.000-04:00

I seem to have developed super-senses as a result of my new occupation. I realize this because upon awakening late and sitting down to eat breakfast this afternoon in the quiet, quiet house, E having taking M and L off shopping or something, I'm distracted and unable to eat at first. Something is unsettling me, and after concentrating for a moment, below the chirping of birds and the distant drone of traffic, I imagine I can hear the wail of a child in distress. Surely E wouldn't have left one of the kids behind, I reason, but I have to go check the house anyway. Finally I open the door to the outside and can hear it more clearly now, no more than a murmur, but recognizably real, a child crying a few blocks away. Wow.

I put on some music and return to my breakfast.

2006-04-25T16:22:00.000-04:00

Music and books vie for being the most important things in my life, the things that make it worth getting out of bed in the morning. While I can't introduce the kids to most of my favorite books yet (though some of the best are, in fact, children's books), I have relished the opportunity to inflict my music upon them. Naturally, I steer clear of aggressive songs with lots of curse words - we'll have to put Ministry and Wu-Tang Clan on the back burner for the time being - but Radiohead, Wilco, The Roots, and The Velvet Underground have been well received. Radiohead in particular... I remember teasing B, my ex, who works in child care, when she put No Surprises on a mix tape of songs for naptime. You're putting a song about suicide on that, are you kidding? It's a beautiful song, says she, and she's right. The kids have asked to hear it repeatedly, which I thought was great, until M asks me, hey, what's that song about? Er..... it's about the desire for a nap, says I. Close enough.

My music playing (bass, piano) had been received somewhat less enthusiastically, or so I thought until this afternoon. We had an extended trip out, picking M up from school and then going to a park. L and I were a bit tired and hungry upon returning home and I actually snapped at her for the first time, after receiving one too many demands for more food while trying to prepare my own lunch. Anyhow, a few minutes later, as I was trying to devour said lunch, she looked at me sweetly and asked if we could please go play guitars for a while. I had to put the rest of my lunch on hold while we jammed out to some Wilco. Awww yeah.

2006-04-24T11:23:00.000-04:00

Tragedy struck the small, pleasant town of, um, Townville this morning. Fire Engine #2 and her baby were out on routine patrol when they were surprised by a velociraptor attack. The carnage was nearly averted by the timely arrival of the King's Sandwich Truck, but the hungry carnivores could not be sated by sandwiches and roasted corn, and quickly fell upon the hapless fire trucks, tearing off tires and transmissions with wild abandon.

Bear in mind this was all the imaginative work of my two year old niece, L.

2006-04-21T15:28:00.000-04:00

I've apparantly missed my calling in life. This is one of the best jobs I've ever had. I baked bread on Monday. I made chicken stock on Tuesday. I made chicken soup on Wednesday. I made pizza from scratch on Thursday. I haven't had a kitchen adventure today, but I blame that on having to go to the car dealer this morning to correct an electrical system malfunction. And I folded two loads of laundry to make up for it.

Apparantly, I was intended to be a housewife all along, but, you know, I'm not so much for the traditional marriage thing. But if anyone out there is looking for a kept man, I'm accepting applications.

The hours aren't so great; I wake earlier and work longer than I used to, but I'm pretty much fully engaged the entire time. (Except when I get a chance to sneak away into cyberspace for a few minutes here and there.) The incessant question "Why?" does get a little old, but it forces me to get... creative with my answers, shall we say. Calvin's dad is my best inspiration in this regard. Heh heh heh.

2006-04-17T21:52:00.001-04:00

One of the best parts of my new job are the conversations M, L, and I have over breakfast. M and L are generally in good moods after waking up and playing for a while, so we don't have the usual struggles over diet (they could eat nothing but carbohydates ever, while I'd like to sneak in the occasional protein or roughage. But I digress.) We'll talk about most anything - M and L are rarely at a loss for topics of conversation, even if they do tend most frequently towards palentology and human biology. I've noticed, though, that this is the time when M likes to ask follow-up questions about things we discussed the day before. This is one thing I've learned: kids don't forget anything you say, ever. I'm often rhetorical, ironic, and off-the-cuff in my speech. These don't necessarily mix well, although the results are often amusing to say the least. The important thing, I've decided, is just to be honest and straightforward about everything.

I'd post examples, but after a 14-hour day yesterday, and a 12-hour day today, my brain is only marginally functional. I should make more of an effort to scribble things down as they occur.

2006-04-14T11:16:00.000-04:00

Uncle S came to visit for the weekend. Given that dad (the childrens', not mine) and I went out drinking last night at a gay country-western karaoke bar, I took full advantage of this opportunity. After playing with the kids for a few minutes after waking, I said, guess who's downstairs??? Uncle S! said M. That's right! But he's sleeping, said they. Oh, that's okay, says me, he would love for you to wake him up. Heh heh heh heh.

2006-04-14T11:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, we ventured out of the house for the first time. Lacking car seats still, we could only make it as far as the neighborhood park, but that was a fun change of pace and occupied the better part of two hours. As I'm learning, when you want to go somewhere with children, pad your time estimates with at least a half an hour on either end.

The park was fun, we did slides and monkey bars and swings and such. There were a couple of girls with their mom when we arrived. The mom and I smiled and exchanged pleasantries. Unclear on the social protocol of parental playground interaction, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to let the children go and continue to talk with the mom, or do what I did and follow L around the playground.

There was a guy cleaning his pimped-out ride (a Toyota Corolla, unless I miss my guess) pumping out some tunes while he did so. What's he doing? enquired L. I explained he was cleaning his car so he could go try to pick up girls. Why? Because that's what boys do. What's that sound? That is the sound of hip-hop, my child. What's it saying? I don't know, but it's probably something about fast cars and girls. Why? Why? Why? I love this job.

Some teenaged gangsta wannabes showed up and started trying to play basketball. Much as I wanted to throw down and embarass them in front of their girlfriends, well, I had my charges to consider. So we took the scenic route back to the house instead, discussing dandelions and doggies.

2006-04-12T17:07:00.000-04:00

Computer developers often have to, or choose to, focus on several different tasks at the same time. Email, IM, development and support, all interlaced more or less harmoniously as the day progresses.

This ability turns out to serve me in good stead in my new career.

2006-04-12T09:37:00.000-04:00

Uncle D, do you want to see my new cars?

This is how my new job begins. I've been a computer software developer and network administrator for the better part of twelve years. I'm really good at it. I first touched a computer probably twenty-five years ago when my dad got an inventory management system installed at his showroom. As part of the final configuration, we were asked to press Y or N to confirm. I was allowed to type the critical key. Beside myself with excitement, I pressed U by mistake. It was an auspicious beginning.

But back to the matters at hand. Over the past year or so, I realized I've got burned out on working with computers. Everything I've done in that realm is intangible, virtual, unreal. It's something of a shame, I'm quite good at at it, but I've come to find it unsatisfying. So when my sister jokingly asked me if I wanted a new job taking care of her children for a few months, I jumped at the chance. My company was generous enough to allow me to take a leave of absence and even do some work part-time remotely, so here I am.

Uncle D, do you want to see my new cars? Yes, M, I do, very much. M is my five year-old nephew. He's smart as a whip, stubborn as a mule, and as I'm learning, remembers everything you say. He's obsessed with motorized transportation of all shapes and forms. L is my two year-old niece, sweet as anything for the most part but prone to, um, provoking her brother when she gets bored. And gives M a run for his money in the tenacity department. My job, for the next few months at least, is to keep them healthy, happy, and engaged. Wish me luck.